Sexual Security Increase

I find myself… in need of a condom.
So I mosey up to the third floor of the PUB building, into to the Women’s Center with its warm, bright lights and semi-friendly faces to greet me as I breeze in the door.
I see one of the visitors in his waiting chair glance over at me as I pass the first secretary, who sits immediately to the right of the entrance, and head for the glorious little condom basket at the back of the room. Next to the box sits another secretary, peering over his computer, readying himself to assist me.
But I’m just here to protect my genitals. I see the secretary’s mouth close, and watch his eyes shift upward as I extend my hand to the left of his desk towards the basket. How considerate. Likewise, the visitor’s eyes conveniently find the ceiling as I turn to leave and his foot is tap-tapping nervously.
I introduce to you, dear student, the condom guardians. Tasked with the sacred duty of dispensing and keeping watch over our genital shields. Ever vigilant, and always helpful.
As I make my unintentionally awkward, semi-dramatic exit, I’m smiling to myself. The sound of crunching eggshells is half the fun of coming up to the women’s center.
This is how a quest for condoms or tampons becomes an awkward office situation.
But you know what? I don’t feel that bad about it. If my desire for safe sex makes people uncomfortable, that’s not my issue. I find a lot of the time the reason people are uncomfortable in the first place is because they expect me to be, but I’m not.
I don’t feel uncomfortable, I don’t feel bad for protecting my genitals because my genitals happen to be super useful and totally awesome, I bet yours are too. Check them out.
While sometimes owning a vagina can feel a lot like managing a swamp, which is a complicated and totally gross aspect of having one, I don’t feel bad about that either.
The condom guardians don’t want me to feel bad, they don’t want you to feel bad either, I bet they’re all rooting for your genitals.
Occasionally I get bored with making a whole room awkward in ten seconds flat and feel like a chat, so I’ll strike up a conversation with the condom guardian present, and do you know what I find?
That when they’re not busy reading your face over their computer screen to see why you’re there, they’re helping students with all sorts of things, whether it’s finding an office or giving out information on campus resources. At the end of the day, condoms and tampons are just another resource they’re providing, although a somewhat hilarious one. It’s nothing but another part of their job, and they have students coming in for condoms and tampons all the time.
So don’t feel embarrassed about your body, your sexuality, or taking care of either. Don’t let the condom guardians deter you from picking up your genital protection. It’s time to say “Fuck the haters, my junk rocks.” Because it does.

_Molly Crews

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